This Life

“I may be mad, he thought, but I prefer the shit of this world to whatever sweet ambrosias the next may offer.” 
― Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

I choose the crazy, the mad, the wild, the alive. I choose the chaos and uncertainty. I choose the unknown and the sweet freedom of jumping into it all. I choose this life over any other one, and I live it with all of my heart. 

To all of the men I have loved and let love me, I chose you. Whether it was for a minute, a month or a few years, I chose your body and mind to spend time with. Time. The precious piece of my life that I have to share with you. And if you called me crazy... well, fuck you. And... thank you. Thank you for giving me the reflection of you that I needed to break down my illusions of you that were probably too good for you anyways. 

I am done giving men the benefit of the doubt. Step up or step out. Show up as who you are and own it. I will love you while I sort through my own shit and I trust you to sort through yours. I  choose love every time, and just because you cannot understand does not mean I will not be understood. My stories are pieces of me that I wouldn't trade for the world. I am learning what kind of woman I am. 

I've done crazy things in the name of love. I've flown to a country I did not know for the hope of meeting a man I've only met in letters. I've driven 10 hours just to spend another 5 with a man. I've hiked miles in the mountains to find another man. I've left my number in guitar cases and given my number out on pieces of paper and gone on dates after reading their horoscope. I've waited a week to kiss some, and 5 seconds to kiss others. I have played through stories of marrying for a visa, living on a farm, moving to Montana, moving anywhere in the world.... and then I find myself here. 

Still the same girl who does all of these things, but I am no longer trying to fit my story into anyone else. Mine is being written here, now, by me. I am still the kind of woman who will love fiercely and wildly, but I have time to wait. I do not have any pending plane tickets, extended vacations, or big moves. I am delving into the craziness of being a person who stays in one place and finds joy in daily life. I am here loving all of the crazy that I am.

This is the life I choose. I want all of it, and the strength to live through it. It is messy and weird and uncomfortable. But I want it. This crazy sexy wonderful life is mine and I will do everything to live it.