Standing In Love

"Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a "standing in" not "falling for." In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving not receiving."

-Erich Fromm

I full-heartedly believe that love is a choice. It is not some magical thing that falls from the sky in between two people. Attraction is the beginning, the creation, the magnet of love. It ignites our biological selves and draws us to another person. It is intoxicating and dizzy and temporarily blinding. It allows us to learn the beauty of another person. However, this stage will eventually be interrupted by the inherent flaws of a person. Both parties must be willing to accept that this next stage takes work. 

Many people will leave at this point. They are existing under some preconceived notion that there is something better that will be less work and lead to more fulfillment. While a large portion of this decision has to do with the other person, I'd say that most of this decision resides on the decider's own uncertainty with themselves. 

People who dive into love fully understand that no person is perfect. We meet people where they are, believe the dreams they tell us they want to achieve, and accept that the person in front of us is an infinitely changing thing. Many people call this way of loving foolish, but as one of these kind of lovers, I call it brave. We trust the goodness in people because we trust the goodness in ourselves. We understand our flaws and weaknesses and choose to move through the world with them. Radical self-love is the key to radical love.

Of course, this love requires communication. It requires honesty, and respect and vulnerability. It means that we present our full selves as we are, fully aware that we might not make sense. We express our needs, and accept whether or not they can be met. We share our hearts, our beliefs, and our boundaries, and respect yours. We are independent and therefore have space for dependence. Love is what brings us alive.

I have learned that most men won't understand this. I believe it is partially because they need the logic, while open love relies partially on magic. The magic is terrifying. It has no explanation other than a deep knowing that both people are where they are meant to be. The men I've dated so far run at this point. I have been told my way of loving is foolish. However, I believe that if two people want to keep the mystery of love alive, they must consistently strive to be mysteries in themselves. They must have hobbies and lives and respect for themselves. They must trust their own beliefs, or be comfortable in uncertainty. 

Time unravels the answers. All we have is the integrity of now to enjoy this life that we have. Love is a choice. It is the choice not to run each time we see the potential for pain. It is a choice to give and care for and nurture another human. It is the choice to let another human nurture us. Love is a giving, and we must love who we are giving. To love fully, one has to be the type of lover they would want to love. We can only accept the type of love we believe we are capable of giving. There is no sacrifice of self in love, rather complete freedom to be exactly who you are. 

This is why we must choose our loved ones carefully. It is important to learn which form of love gives you the most clarity and freedom. If you're the type of person who is all in.... own it. Be all in and accept that it might scare some people off, but there will be someone who is completely amazed at your ability to believe your intuition and heart. If you're a slow burner, take it slow. Set your boundaries strongly, and walk lightly. Stay true to your friends and people and hobbies, and learn another person slowly. No matter what you are, do not compromise any of yourself. 

That being said. Please, love yourself first. Love your heart, trust your heart, and learn yourself. If you do not do this, you will exist under the notion that the lover must make you happy. You will find yourself casting judgements and looking for flaws. When you do this, you discredit the person you are loving. Instead of letting them be beautiful and messy, you are asking them to be perfect. No one is perfect, but people can make perfect love. Happiness in love comes from giving love to the other. Loving is knowing that your time and attention is appreciated. By caring, you are cared for. By being gentle with the other's hopes and dreams, you are gentle with yourself. 

Honesty, respect, trust, and love. They all hold hands and carry you with them. When you are ready, open your heart, and love will find you.