It's Up to The Universe
“Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these.”
Matthew 6:28-29
Last night I prayed. I got down on my hands and knees and closed my eyes and prayed. I haven't prayed for so long I forgot how to. At first I sat there, awkwardly telling the universe I was okay with it taking care of my family the way it has been, and I would be fine if it continued to give my friends the absolute best life they could have, and it was okay if.... and then I caught myself. I was granting the universe permission to do what it already does naturally. I had become the ultimate control freak.
Around this time I started laughing. Of course I was there telling the universe that I would be fine with whatever it wanted to do. As if me granting it permission to do what it needed to would help things get done. I had forgotten how to surrender. How to sit back and watch it do what it needs to do. My prayer shifted into a surrender. I literally said "I give up. I give up my control. I give up on my pursuit. I do not want to do this on my own anymore. I am really fucking tired." Something inside of me unlocked. I have traveled enough to know that I can do it on my own. But I don't want to anymore. I crawled into bed to watch the universe take me.
I've always loved psychology. I've loved the mind and how we create meaning in our life. I'm a firm believer that it is not what we do, but how we do it. I believe that happiness comes sneaking in when we choose to love the life that we are living as it is and understand how much power we have to create a beautiful life. Half of the creation of our own life is surrender to the life we have been given. It is falling back into our gifts and situation and learning how to work with it to open the doors for the life of our dreams.
The thing I never factor into this equation is time. It takes time for the kind of meaning I am craving. Building community takes time. Building a loving and fulfilling relationship takes time. Building self-love, self-confidence, self.... whatever. IT TAKES TIME. And I cannot build it on my own. I do not want to build it on my own. The only thing I have control over is the actions and reactions I have in this life. My mental, spiritual and physical health are all intertwined. I cannot take care of others until I take care of myself. It takes time.
Right now, I have a job that I love (most of the time), friends that are brilliant and inspiring, a house full of beautiful housemates and plants, and I live in a city that I am completely crazy for. I have to keep reminding myself that everything around me is good. Not only good, but actually pretty damn great. As someone who knows how much control I have to shape my life, I want to put all of the pieces into place at the same time. To tap into the secret source of who I am and learn exactly what it is I have to share with the world and to start now.
The thing is that it isn't some secret cheat code. I can't expedite the process. It is a process. And as long as my heart is open to accumulating more of the good stuff, I will continue to incorporate the good stuff into my life. My life has been full of learning and travel. I have never worried about finding a job or home or couch to crash on. The universe has been unbelievably kind to me, and I have always believed that it will be. I thrive on the continual flow of newness, while a happy life is finding that newness in the every day.
I hope that this finds you in a place where you too are willing to surrender just enough control to let the universe take care of you. That maybe it is taking care of us and just needs us to learn the lessons we have here now before we can move onto the next. Kind of like a video game. We have to find grace and beauty in exactly the stage of life we are in before we can move out of it. And if we like it enough... we don't even have to move out of it. But we can, and we will, when we give it time and stop trying so hard.
Just be. Here. Now.... thats what they all seem to say.