Confession

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

-Maya Angelou

I am finally stepping down and admitting that it is time to change. It is okay to admit you were wrong. To take the lessons in your hands and finally be able to set them down knowing you learned what you had to. I am setting my way of loving down to open up to a new way that will serve me in the way that I need. 

There are times when you will be loving someone in the most beautiful, unconditional way that you could possibly be loving someone, and it will still not be the right way to love. That kind of love is the end goal and you can't start with the finish. Getting there takes time. It requires two people who are willing and open. It takes experience, and trust, and time. There is always a flux between who is leaning in and when. If one person leans in too much, the other will naturally retract and vice versa. My love has been a full jump in. It has taught me what I have needed to learn, and I am no longer willing to play out that story.

I have always thrown myself into this logical version of the most incredible love I could possibly give. I sit here now, as though watching a movie of myself. I have so much compassion for the bravery it took to trust that someone would be able to receive all of the love I had to give. I know that someone will... in time. It wasn't the love itself, but how and when it was given that is what was blind to me. I truly believed that the love I was embodying was so good that it would be impossible to walk away from. I wanted a love that lasted forever, built in men I had only known for a few weeks.

I was still existing under this preset of the story "It was love since day one." I skipped the steps of getting to know someone, and just trusted that I could love them no matter who they were. And damn, I did. I loved every person I became close with in ways they may never be loved again, without giving them the time it takes to get to know me. I believed in potential, while they wanted to be okay how they were. 

It is almost embarrassing to see myself now. The walls of illusion and justifications I created to protect this fierce and wild love. I believed in who I was so strongly that I didn't believe I had to change. But I had to change. This kind of love was not returning itself to me in ways that lifted me up, and goddamn I got hurt. So hurt. But I always found a way through, and I am sure I am stronger because of it. I have completed the lessons from this round of life and I am ready for the next. 

I am ready to wait for love to come to me, however it does. I am ready to admit that I have done wrong when I believed I was doing right, and I am forgiving myself for what I cannot change. I cannot change what I have done, I can only move forward. It is a gift to have these pieces of ourself revealed to us so suddenly, and to finally believe in how we are going to use them. Moving forward means moving back into myself, my work, my life and trusting that self-love pours out into more love. 

It is all very simple when we break it down and admit that it is simple. The truest way to find yourself where you want to be is to be who you want to be. Every day. Every minute.  There will be time when you run into walls of illusions, good and bad, that you have created as self-preservation for yourself. When you find those, you must gently disassemble them and learn from them. When you can see your past as the story that it is, you can begin to live the story you are in. 

And then... take your time. There is no rush. Everything is happening exactly when it should.