Loving What Nourishes You

“all the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear” 
― Byron Katie

It is easy to tell our friends what we notice in their relationships. Red flags, ambivalence, overt affection after small amounts of time together, jealousy, manipulation, etc. The list is goes on. And yet, we do not notice the same things when it applies to our own relationships. We are wonderfully elusive creatures of habit, and our habits have been crafted perfectly to sustain us in our daily lives. Our relationship patterns are bi-products of our family, friends, and young loves. All of them contribute to what we deem as ‘normal,’ and it takes time and effort to recognize which ones aren’t serving us.

I speak from my experience only. I do not carry a degree or formal education in human sexuality or relationship theories. I do have my own personal library of stories and loves that have taught me what love looks like for me. That is what I pull from when speaking of these topics, please seek professional help if you are in a dangerous situation.

My first love was pure passion. We were young and wild and spent our days running through the mountains. Poetry and music flowed through my veins, and I was alive on adrenaline. What I didn’t realize was how many nights I spent waiting for him to message me back (always forgiving him and pretending like it didn’t bother me as much as it did). I had gut feelings that he was lying to me, and yet I rarely challenged him. I kept my heart to myself to avoid losing him. When I did lose him, I felt like I had lost myself. What I can only now see 10 years later, is how much of myself I had lost to be with him.

I solidified a person who I thought I should be to win affection and love. That person became who I became when I encountered what I thought was love. Love to me looked like; the initial spark, the intense curiosity, the immediate pouring out of my soul to another human, an upswell of feelings and affection and the acceptance that this might only be temporary. It was wild and reckless and impulsive. I would dive in head first, and swim like all hell to keep the relationship afloat. I’d play games, wait to text back, shift plans with friends to make plans with them work, and then work my butt off to appear independent and carefree while throwing my whole heart at a person.

I was broken after every single one of these relationships. Each failed attempt mirrored the same feelings from my first break up. I was driving home the story that I was only a pretty face, and too wild and untamed to love long term.

Two summers ago, my pattern clicked. I had met a man that saw me straight to the center. He was a practicing christian (I’m not) which meant that all physical lust was off the table. He asked me questions and took me on dates and reminded me of the love I wanted. We didn’t work out for a number of reasons (faith being a huge one), but he was able to shift my mind towards a knowing of what I really valued and wanted in a relationship.

My pattern began to untangle here. I fell for one more guy with all the red flags, thinking I could somehow dodge it this time… he turned out to be as bad as everyone warned me he would be. I learned my lesson. Settled on my conviction that true love comes from knowing and loving a person, I began to tend to my wild heart.

This is where it got hard. I became a witness to my own wildness. I watched the fervor with which my heart jumped towards attention and the potential for adventure. I slowly began to notice the traits that I was attracted to, and to identify which ones followed the same patterns I had been running on. I promised myself never to let go of my wild love. So I found a few more wild loves where I was able to see and recognize their fleetingness.

I had never realized that I was the one who was not able to commit to the long haul. It was never the others not being able to commit to me.

Love came unexpectedly. We were strangers dancing at a party. There was no expectation. He walked me home (I didn’t let him walk all the way) and then began the dating. We dated. We went on dates. We walked and talked and shared our energy with the world. I saw his goodness, and tried to friend zone him to protect myself. He maintained his friendship and continued to show up for me.

There were no games. There was only communication and openness. I loved him.

I say all this to affirm how long it takes for a pattern to break. It takes some mistakes. It will not look perfect from the beginning. It will be disorienting to re-wire your heart to nourish instead of self sabotage. But what you will get is a partner. A friend. Someone who listens, and loves, and adapts, with your best interest in mind. They will walk a couple steps ahead of you, and notice shifts in your mood. Their purpose will be to live a life that uplifts yours at the same time.

I didn’t used to believe in this love. I kept trying to see it in my sabotage romances that left me feeling like a side-line romance. It wasn’t there.

Now that it is here, the new battle is to untangle my past. To let this love be good. To let myself feel the passion that comes from a best friend. To let myself let myself relax and trust this relationship. Only time teaches us the value of letting the same people continue to love us. Only time changes the habits that we have normalized. Only time lets us work through our minds to discover what it is we truly want.

I don’t know about you, but I want a love that wants me back. A love that sees the best version of me, and holds me to it (and is gentle when I’m not.) A love that listens, and uplifts, and holds, and is all the way in. I want the love that is worth staying for. And I want the love where two people are making the decisions together.

I hope you are all able to find which love will nourish you. To love the loves that do. And to find the person inside of you who you want to be in it.