Lighthouse Love

“A lighthouse is both an invitation and a warning." - Nathan Hill

I’ve learned love to be the effort we put into things. My grandma was one of the most welcoming people I knew, always taking care to make sure everyone around her was comfortable before settling in. There are many ways that we can show those around us that we love them, and there are many ways we can try, that miss the mark because we don’t know how to love them yet. For me, anything that is pre-meditated as something that might make my life easier, IS an act of love. For example, the fireplace in Nubeena was set up to simply place a match in the fire to get it started. Towels were on each of our beds, and each bed had an electric blanket. Even though we were the ones renting the place, the thoughtfulness placed for us to feel welcome went above and beyond our expectations.

I was lucky to watch my parents love each other like this. Each one going just slightly out of their way to enchant and surprise the other. They took care of each other, and in turn I learned what it looked like to take care of those around me. The beauty is that we get to participate in the making of the magic. When I learned that Sophie was getting close, I turned on her electric blanket and had a glass of wine ready to hand her as she walked in the door. And though these gestures alone aren’t enough to sustain a love, they sprinkle onto the depth of conversation and care that comes from knowing people across a life time.

The chances of me meeting these girls was slim. As mentioned before, I met Nikki whilst dancing in the walkway of a bar, and Sophie I met via our friend Anna who was bartending when I lived here seven years ago. I simple walked up to Anna and said, ‘I am from California and have no friends, would you like to hang out sometime?’ Boom, bang, flash forward and here I am in an Airbnb with two gals I’ve known for nearly half a decade. The truth is though, that I have met many people along the way. Many beautiful people. But it is a rare thing to find those you cling onto and cannot seem to live without.

In the most beautiful way, love is like a lighthouse. It guides you to safety and keeps you away from the treacherous rocks. These friends in the room with me, became friends, because we found each other and things made sense. It takes a bit of luck, but every now and then you run into a soul that you don’t have to explain yourself to, and those souls are exactly what carry you through a life time. Especially if your soul feels too big, too much of the time, in the container from where it’s from.

These gals also know that I am looking for a love as big as the blue whale heart that lives inside of me. I love blue whales specifically because their heart is the only one that has a chance to hold the depth of emotions I feel. Something about the wine and the safety pushed me to download Hinge the dating app with a tag line ‘I’m in Australia for a week, but ideally, we meet, fall in love, and I stay.’ (Lots of commas, I know), but shortly thereafter I found myself receiving an onslaught of exhilarating messages ranging from, ‘Great, look no further’ to ‘One week! Good luck’ to ‘Two nights is not many, but worth a shot.’ I admittedly felt high from the proclamations of potential lifelong commitment, and had a blast playing banter with these strangers who by some thread had an inch of hope in the far-fetched love story that I did.

The truth is that we write our love stories. The catch is only the beginning of whether or not you and the other person has what it takes to make love last. It is easy to confess your love when it is not tied to the responsibility and late nights picking up the phone, or considering another person each time you cook a meal, or scheduling your sleep to make sure your lover gets enough rest. While fun, hinge lives in the honey moon stage, and many people who are on there do not know (and haven’t had to learn) how to take care of a love to stay.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, I’ve learned love from my girl friends. From the times Kai has cooked me dinner knowing I had had a busy day, to flowers for finishing a final, to the 7a walks so I could show up to work on time, to the hundreds of ways we can go slightly out of our way just to listen to our friend share what is true for them. This is how we learn to understand that we are never alone, nor do we have to be. SO, hinge, albeit fun and full of dopamine rushes, provides very little hope to find love as long and enduring as the friendships I have carved through travel, trial and error.

I chose to follow through with one match from Hobart, and then to swap my connection over to Melbourne. You see, even the fact that I can look for love in places that I am not, feels problematic. When the romantic and the writer within me join forces, each interaction becomes a potential future story unfurling before me. Here’s where I found myself talking to someone we will call, Billy. Billy is a ‘6’5” in heels’ fella from a small town on the great ocean road who I can’t seem to get enough of. Our banter, communication, and the feeling of feeling understood all slide so naturally we swap over to WhatsApp and next thing you know we are chatting til 2 in the morning.

I want to recognize any person who has become invested in a stranger, and to give some of the power of your imagination back to yourself. However, I also want to send my condolences to any person you meet who even after voice notes and facetimes, continues to exist as a very real and reasonable person. You see, the thing I have learned, is that it is rare to find a lighthouse. One who both beckons you toward shore and warns you of the rocks and danger. This was exactly where I found myself with Billy, a fellow traveler who had experienced the intoxicating and painful rush of meeting love and letting it go.

The thing that Billy did, that no one had before, was acknowledge the potential strength of the connection and choose not to engage because of the short-sighted nature. There I was cheering for ‘I don’t care the outcome, so long as I know there are connections like these still possible,’ and there he was saying ‘Han, we both know we will probably get along, and then you will leave. I don’t wish to put myself through the emotional turmoil any longer.’ I couldn’t help feeling like I was talking to myself in a couple years after the lesson had fully sunk in.

The truth is that the momentary rush isn’t worth it when it comes to romantic partners, particularly ones who are yearning for the same long-term love that you are. We can give love the power to alter the course of our life, without staying anchored to the life we are already in. I am guilty of this, knowing full well that my life back home is beautiful and nourishing and something I do want to return to. Even though I can’t quite reconcile that there is no security with my values in the States. As a business owner, I am lumped into a similar category as ‘starving artist,’ which is to say that I am one of those people who pursue their passion run the risk of not having their basic human rights met in the states. Throw in an exponentially increasing cost of living, with no support for the service industry, running directly alongside the tech boom, which is allowed to ‘grow’ in the economic system, unchecked or tethered to any direct resources… and BOOM the idea of raising a family becomes quasi-impossible UNLESS… tech… UNLESS… family money… UNLESS… no travel or vacation. And look, we can’t have it all, but my kids could at least be given the assurance of health care.

I don’t want to go too far down that tangent, but I will say that the last man I dated worked for the government with a pension and security, and that security was enough to override the plethora of red-flags and deal breakers that I can now see a few months out of it. I think we are wired towards connection, and our connection is driven by whether or not we will be accepted into the group. Our ability to survive in the group, has to do with how well we adhere to the unspoken rules and acceptance of them. And I have always had trouble with the ‘rules’ that do not take into account our basic access to human rights.

So all that said, I find myself here, sitting in a bathtub pondering who I would date if my bases were covered. Which is also to say, what career I would choose if I knew that the salary would cover my basic welfare. Which raises the question, where would I live if I was choosing my child’s future. And the truth is, that I cannot confidently say California. Because so much of me staying relies on ‘if I marry rich’ or ‘if I suddenly come into money’ or ‘I could always go into tech,’ not, ‘I could do what I love here, and meet someone who was doing what they love, and we could be happy.’

I recognize what an immense privilege it is to be able to ponder these questions. I am not tied into a relationship, or family, or job that I cannot leave (even my shop has been built around checks and balances that allow me to dissolve it if things are not working) and I recognize that although I still have fight in me, there are places I can go where the people are already looking out on the world in the same way. Billy called me out on looking to him for a door that opens the very real possibility of me moving, and even I know I can’t do it for someone else. We are the authors of our destiny, and a man from Hinge, no matter how romantic, cannot be the sole motivation for leaving the country.

Now, spoiler alert, Billy did not drive the 2 hours just for the chance to meet me, because Billy knew what would come in a day or two. Like wine, and booze, and staying up too late, and really anything we know is not good for us, the joy we feel in the moment is not worth the pain we feel the next day. Any of you who know me have watched me jump all the way in, only to get tossed and turned, and left to catch my breath afterwards. And isn’t it annoying to get close to someone who sees the world the way you do? Who makes you feel less crazy and alone for even wondering? Isn’t that the kind of person that we want to hold onto and move mountains or across the world for?

You see, I still believe that my story goes like that. I do think that there will be a chance encounter that is unshakeable. And it will be with someone like Billy, who can walks right out to my edge of my wild cliffs that fall into the sea, and tells me how beautiful they are. Without trying to understand them, or jump from them, or hide or fix them. Love will build a lighthouse in them, so that even I can know that the cliffs are approaching when I am lost at sea. Love isn’t foolish enough to tell me that the danger doesn’t exist. These are the lessons we learn, and the people we find offer us these lessons in stories that don’t sink in until we are ready to listen.

I settle back into my bath in a melancholy acceptance. Billy’s one liner, ‘Emotional one-night stands are also, not worth it for me anymore,’ ringing through my head, which is an option I have been considering more seriously as I’ve solidified what it is I am actually looking for. I know that I want a big love. One that stays, and holds me, where we buoy each other through the swells of life. And yet, I still hold out hope that the men in front of me may prove my intuition wrong. But our intuition is the signpost. The ultimate lighthouse. The unwavering ‘I am not going to place myself in harm’s way because I CAN see it, and I do not want to be hurt.’ Today, I am left to wonder all of the what-ifs, and to write out a beautiful story WITHOUT having to experience the pain of how real the love of a stranger can be.

Slowly, slowly, I am learning just how visible I truly am. That my drive for love makes sense, and that there are others out there singing from blue-whale hearts. That the grass is not greener, and it is our job to plant a garden so lush wherever it is we choose to set roots, that leaving becomes impossible. Love will find us wherever it is that we plant this garden, and love will come with arms full of wildflower seeds and our favorite wines, and their ears will be ready to drink in the whole story of us while we write it together in a house full of our guests by a woodburning stove set to be lit when we arrive. Love is the boundary that shows us the way, and keeps space from the danger. Love is what finds us when we are not looking.

Cheers to all of the loves that keep us honest and show us our stories. May we all find the people that remind us of the lighthouse in each of us.

Xx,

Han