Joyful Sturdiness

“It can take a while, sometimes, to be the woman you want to be, and to excavate the misogyny or critical eye we too often internalise” - Julia Baird

I ran through the airport. I swapped seats for the aisle seat on the plane, and the second the seatbelt sign went off, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and wiggled past all of the people pulling their suitcases from the bins. I walked swiftly through the airport, through the customs kiosks, down past baggage claim, outside, to the right, into the next terminal, through the TSA check, and then I ran. There are only a few times when you will catch me running and one is to try to catch a flight with a half-hour layover.

Naturally gate 8 was all the way at the end of the terminal, but by some grace of God I made it before they started boarding. I called Nikki as I changed out of my shirt riddled with underboob sweat, and she, as shocked as I was, said ‘Oh shit, well I better get ready! Didn’t think you would make it.’ We laughed and I sat down for a moment to catch my breath. ‘That’s main character energy Hannah, good work,’ she said, as I smiled with a slight runner high coupled with lack-of-sleep delusion.

At that point I had been traveling for 19 hours, and I had another 1.5 hour flight, followed by a 2 hour drive to our ‘Sunny House’ on the Tasman Peninsula. The flight was easy, and I walked out of the airport, straight into the loving arms of my friend. There are few people in the world that I feel so immediately at ease around. Nikki, who lives 18 hours minimum by plane from my door, is one of them.

We decided to grab brunch at one of my favorite brunch spots, and passed by the place where we first met (drunk in a bar, me dancing somewhere that wasn’t a dance floor… pictured below). I am not sure exactly why, or how, but Brunch in Australia is a different experience altogether. The flat white, next to an egg wrap Roti with bacon and chili jam, immediately settled me into place. I was home.

Our conversation was a mix of catching up on our latest loves, success stories, work woes, and general gossip. I told Nikki about Carol from Cleveland, Ohio, who I sat next to on my flight (even though I had a feeling before my flight I may sit next to my future husband who was a tall green-eyed man, who was visiting family in AUS, but lived back home… blablabla) who was not the husband I imagined, but told me delightful stories about how she raises Monarch butterflies and all the neighborhood kids come to help her collect the eggs. And also how the local university swapped out grass for native plants, and the fireflies has returned.

There are few things I appreciate more than good story. This launches us into a debrief about the qualities we appreciate most in others. Do you know what you admire most in others? Lately, I have been enchanted by people who ask good questions. It is a beautiful thing to sit in a circle and yearn to know the people around me, and then to watch someone else ask open ended, consent given questions. ‘When did you fall in love?’ ‘What motivates you when you feel sad like that?’ ‘What food couldn’t you live without?’

At some point I stopped asking questions. I think it had something to do with how quickly I moved through places, and that I didn’t feel I deserved people’s stories when I had no intention of staying and being able to live out new ones. Whatever the case, I admire the shit out of people who ask questions and pay attention. This applies to many other aspects of life too. I’ve become convinced that the person I will marry is going to be some sort of scientist, simply because of the fact that curiosity acts as guide.

Many of my friends have this in common. An unwavering commitment to wonder and on the same side of the coin, the ability to be amazed. Nikki and I both shared collective joy as we wound our way through the windy roads towards our home for the following three days. The gum trees, wild as far as the eye could see. Rivers winding through, two ladies with a wild love for the world and each other.

After some fish and chips at a Fox & Hound Tavern (with an extremely questionable frosting like texture on the ceiling, walls, and everywhere they could whip up more paste for it), a beer, and thirty one hours of travel, we made it to our shack. A small place with handmade wooden tables and cabinetry, a wide leather couch, and a wood burning stove.

I was delighted to find that our hosts had prepped the fireplace for us to simply light a match and enjoy. We lit the fire, poured a beautiful glass of Gamay, and wandered the rest of the home to see our outdoor tub overlooking a rivulet. This place has always enchanted me, and to be able to enjoy it in a place that felt so much like the kind of home I would have for myself… well it felt all exactly right as it should be.

I believe in synchronicities and the ache in our hearts when we feel we have landed somewhere we are meant to. I believe that there are lessons along the way, and that joy is an indicator that your * soul * is on the right track. I believe in thoughtfulness, and taking care of each other. I do not believe that any of us are supposed to ‘do it alone’ and I am angry at the myth of individuality. Good friendships are hard to find, and they require time and effort to keep alive. Love is what we have to feed and care for and build between us, each other and the living world that sustains us.

And love is exactly what moves us to travel around the world for the chance to spend time, our precious life’s time, with the people that make it all mean something. Love is what you feel as you fall into the couch knowing there is nowhere else on earth you would rather be. It is the sturdy joy that travels with you and warms you the same way wood burning stoves do. All the way through.

Until tomorrow! XX,

Han