Soft River Love

"You do not have to be a fire for every mountain blocking you.

You could be a water and soft river your way to freedom too."

-Nayirrah Waheed

I used to be a class 5 rapid when it came to love. I’d sail in with my heart ablaze and alter the landscapes of my lovers. I felt like a warrior and slashed my emotional sword straight to their core. I didn’t understand my power or why it went awry. I believed in love, but I never believed the foundation had to be built.

The foundation has to be built.

I wouldn’t take anything from my past back. I would’ve moved slower if I could have seen myself from outside of myself. I trusted so fully and blindly that I let red flags wave in all of their glory while I sailed on my mission to love. Unconditional love does not mean ignoring red flags. I’m learning.

I loved people who were not worth my time. That was that.

Suddenly, last week, the lessons came pouring in. I started working with a nature connection coach to see what I cannot on my own. We dipped our feet into the river and walked softly up it. With guiding questions, I let the landscape teach me what I could not hear.

My eyes caught ripples bouncing off themselves and wondered at the strength of the turbulence. I dipped my hands in and stood in genuine confusion for how something could appear so turbulent without any explanation why. ‘Sometimes we can’t see what is causing the chaos, that is why I’m here’ I told her.

I’ve spent a lot of time living out a story that I am too much to love. I’ve been attracted to boys that I subconsciously knew would continue to affirm that story. I continuously set myself up to be let down. I gave my whole heart away to boys who would never give more than half of theirs, and in that desperation I crashed in and altered their landscapes. I don’t know if anyone could’ve kept up with me how I was, but I’m done.

I’ve turned myself into a soft river. I used to think it was boring to be so gentle. Or that I would get bored being so gentle. But all that I find here is strength. My lover, now, is my river bed and I’m gently rivering my way along with him. Our path runs on beyond where I can see, but we are with each other the whole way. We give each other space to be in union with each other. We mold each other, but don’t hold onto each other. We change, gradually along the way. We are who we are with each other, not because of each other.

When we pay attention to the world outside of us, we witness the patterns going on inside of us. Our friends become trees, animals become friends, and the whole world reflects us back to ourselves. It is up to us to find our way back into the world as a piece of it, so we can learn to listen to it, so we can learn soft river love.