“We cannot face up to what lies ahead, without facing up to what lies within.” 
― Eleesha

Time.

It takes time.

It has taken me time to see how much time it truly takes to build relationships. As a person who relies heavily on my intellect when sifting through emotional patterns, I have always believed that somehow I could out-logic time. That somehow I could just know and be happy with knowing that I found my person, and that with the right amount of communication and willingness, anything would be possible.

I am here to admit that I am wrong.

Time.

It takes time.

I can finally see my story laid out in front of me. I seek men who live with a driving force to adventure, to nature, to being deep in the thick of this world. As a woman who has traveled and enjoys her free time hiking and climbing, I appeal to this type of man. What happens more often than not though, is that my emotional currents surface, and as I explain them calmly and clearly, I watch men recoil instantly.

“Why would I tell a girl I barely know that I think she is beautiful?”

Followed by, “Why does she need me to?”

I am blatantly aware of my wounds. There are soft spaces in me that haven’t been given the time and attention they need to dissolve. Many of my decisions have been made in the name of love. What worthier of a cause? Flying across the world, driving ten hours, driving 4 hours each way every weekend, picking them up in the middle of the night, moving house, moving… I was a hero of change. A chameleon for love. I understood my potential to a frightening degree and truly believed I could be anyone I wanted.

In the course of my dating life I swung through phases of being a hipster, a barista, a traveler, an academic, a backpacker, a caterer, a climber, a lover… All the while watching men swing in and out of my life. “I was perfect for them, I could’ve been anything,” were words that often slipped around silently in my mind. What I didn’t realize is that the only thing I wasn’t being was me.

It takes time

I had been so preoccupied with the variety of different me’s I could be that corresponded with whichever lover captured my interest, that I didn’t spend time defining my own. I followed my curiosity deeply, and was left with feelings of unsettledness and confusion as I lost interest and watched my partners lose interest in me. I see now why they interpreted my motives as “fake” though I still stand firm in my genuine curiosity and the truth I carried through all of my personas.

Fake, luckily, is a word that I cannot embody. I wear my feelings on my sleeves, and my thoughts on the matter are often known. I am comfortable with what I like and do not like and I do not mind saying so. For I know that what I may not like at first, I may end up loving later and therefore opinions are fluctuating material. It has taken me time to find comfort in my curiosity, and to be inspired by my old self who courageously set herself towards whatever was calling her heart, and threw caution to the wind. That Hannah has been hurt, deeply, and somehow has chosen to rise again and again.

It has taken time.

And now, as I am gaining more clarity towards the woman that I am, I am learning how to draw boundaries. I am no longer afraid to lose a man. I know that the man who choses to stand by my side is going to be so full in himself that he overflows into me. I know that he will want to learn how to hold me while I fall apart (with time) and how to cheer me on when I am weak, and how to love me so tenderly and fully that I do not doubt his love. I am excited for the man who wants to learn the woman that I am now, neck deep in books about the human mind, while my body yearns to run over the wild grasses and mountains of this earth.

Time is here now, walking slowly with me. She is telling me the same story she has been telling me, but I can finally hear her. And now that I hear her, I am pulling out the pieces that I will weave into my own future stories, and letting the rest dance away into the ocean. I am ready to spend time with time, so that I may be ready when a man walks in with time, for me.