“Some talk to you in their free time, some free their time to talk to you.”

-Unknown

I want to be a badass lover. I am currently shaking off the last legs of a story that says that ‘I’m too much’ with pocketfuls of experience that show me that I’m in fact not too much. I’m learning. The gossip is true… we attract lovers to teach us the lessons we need to learn along our paths. Oftentimes those lessons are hard, uncomfortable, and revealing of the dark and murky shit going on inside of ourselves. BUT by god, I am tired of summoning the emotionally unavailable, non-communicative, space-needing men who can’t see or feel past their own little window of themselves! It is time to quit this nonsense. I hope that these men find women who can meet them where they are, and while they do, I brush myself off and triumphantly walk away.

The walking away is not easy. You are allowed to be mad, upset, hurt and all of the shit that comes along with breakups… but the more steps you put between you and that ding-dong who let you go, the more grateful (I hope) you will feel that you didn’t end up stuck in a lifetime of feeling inadequate or needy with him. Amen and thank you to that.

So, if you’re like me, somewhere along the lines you realized that you had needs that weren’t being met and you may have tried to vocalize those needs. The coolest thing about asking for your needs is that you will learn if someone can or can’t meet your needs. The most important thing to remember is that if you are talking about your unmet needs, you have needs that are not being met. Its very simple. So now, you’ve expressed your needs and they’ve left with an ‘I just can’t do this right now,’ and ‘I think you’re great but I can’t meet your needs,’ or even the infamous ghosting. Your own mind might be flooded with questions like ‘What the hell am I doing to scare all these lovely men away’ or ‘How the hell was I foolish enough to believe in that? I knew better!’ And while you try to calm the chatter, take a breath. And another.

Nothing is wrong. Everything that needed to happen, happened, and the space for a new love is YEARNING for you to dive into it. Maybe even a love with yourself that has been left unattended. Mourn the loss, burn the letters, yell at the sky, and then walk away. Do not look back, and do not worry about maintaining friendship yet (It will come on its own time when you have healed), get out. The less time and energy you give to the person who just left you, the more time you have to love on yourself. And you are the only one truly worth your time and energy.

I am finally realizing that my own fear of seeming narcissistic and selfish has stopped me from every fully putting my needs first. Fuck that. I want to spend my time writing poetry, making art, climbing mountains and creating a community to share my gifts with. Sharing our gifts is increasingly difficult when we subject ourselves to relationships that do not honor the gifts that we are giving. Trust me, it is nearly impossible to decipher whether or not you are being seen when you are deep in the pits of being blinded by a love. Especially when your stubbornness to ‘make it work’ sneaks in and burns all the red flags. But if you can step back long enough to witness the relationship in front of you for what it actually is, and see that you are not your most brilliant and talented and loving person within it… get out.

You do not need to explain yourself, you do not need validation (especially from them), you do not need to ask any questions, you simply need to gather yourself up and walk away. We have this amazing power to create ourselves. We create our bodies by playing in them, we create our wealth by doing good work and sharing good love, we create our homes through attention and care, we create ourselves by gathering what we want more of in ourselves. There is not enough time in our lives to butt heads with someone who cannot meet you where you are.

I am walking away from the games. I do not want the push and pull or the insecurity of someone who cannot commit. I want time and space to lay down a path that guides the people who I will spend this life with to me and I to them. Along that path, I am filling myself with the joy I find in writing poems, and drinking wine, sharing food, making music, and walking slowly enough through the trees to learn the flowers. My love will have strong hands. His face will carry lines of a life well travelled. He will be surprised to find me, but fear won’t live between us. He will look people in the eyes and ask them their stories, before sharing his own and he will be comfortable in his skin. His love will find ways to tell me that I am beautiful and I will flourish in the gentle knowing. I will never need to ask for more, because there will already be enough.

Mmm yes. I can stop banging my head against doors that lord knows may never open, while I stand there holding my door open wide open. I’m letting my door close for a while, knowing that I can open and close it when I choose. I’ve cleared my schedule for the love that keeps out the chill of winter and I’m committing to the life that I can continue to love. For me, I keep the coffee warm and my home full music so that when love comes… Love can come gently, on its own time, with a soft knock on the door and arms full of flowers. There will be no question, only the two of us there, with yes between us.