When was the last time you fell?

I fell epically. A freefall into someone I had never met before. A situation I had never been in before. A way of relating that I had never experienced before. And even as I stood there cloaked in shields of honest conversation, intimacy, and patience... I could not meet them where they were. Timing is the bitch between you and everything you've ever wanted. Sometimes it works, somethings it doesn't. This time though... I wouldn't take any of it back.

I would not take back the notes left on his window. The dinners by candlelight in my backyard, or the movies. The beers sipped in between words and silence. The romance. I would't take back a single kiss. I wouldn't take back the hand holding, listening to vinyls while the rain poured down, or dream-weaving curled up in each other. I wouldn't take back a single second that I gave to him. I would give them all again. I would run my hands over the lines of his chin and love him for a million life times, if I could do it again... I would.

I would not take back the arguments. The frustration ending with my car door slamming and driving away. There was sweetness in the morning. I would not take back the softness. The apologies, the honesty, the curiosity. I wish there were less apologies, and more change. But I learned how to say sorry.. Change takes time and Love was there. I would not take back my heart. I gave him a piece that he will have forever. I made it for him with him and I would not take it back. A memory. I might take back my plant.

I would not take back my time though. My precious, wild, time. I shared it with him, and I breathed it with him, and I lived it with him, and if it was another time maybe.... well. maybe is too strong a word. but.

I learned and I learned and I learned.

That sometimes we put our hearts on a ledge. We shine them, and soften them, and rile them up so that they may catch someone's attention. But when our best heart is on the ledge... most people will not get it. Or they will get it, but not want to take it home. Or they will take it home, but they may not get it... and until the hands that understand it, and want to understand it, and run their fingers down the lines of the living, breathing heart, learning it a million times find it.... well. They just won't get it. 

Take that heart in your hands, and mold it new every day. Love. Everything. And love that you don't like somethings. Because love and hate ride the same train. And.

Even when I hated him. His selfishness. His arrogance. His self-worth.... I still loved him because I knew him. Because I trusted that he would do what was right for him. That he knew his needs enough to know he could not compromise them to mine. Even if it hurt me. And that no matter how hard I screamed, I would not change his mind. I could not change his mind. 

Because his mind is his mind. And I loved it. 

And while I watch a million stories float away as I let him go. I rest knowing that I wouldn't take any of it back. I could not take any of it back. Because I loved him.